When I first joined RantRave, I'll admit, I thought I knew it all. I was convinced by the Liberal Media that our nation is comprised of immigrants of various creeds who, like marbles, rub against each other in a giant Chivas Regal bag, from sea to shining sea, each of us with an equal opportunity to be plucked out of the bag by the god or social determinant of our choice and shot into the circle of life, and if we knock out some other marble than our god or social determinant wins and gets to keep all the marbles, and then melt them in his or her salad bowl. This vision, as cliché as it is, has always made my heart swell, like a Twinkie in a microwave.
And so, since I wanted to help my god or social determinant get all the marbles, I made a cynical and calculated move. In my rants, I took on the persona of a "communist" because I saw this topic is trending big right now and would get me TONS of page views. Also EVERYONE would click on the ads for communist products like commodity fetishisms, dictatorships of the proletariat, hammers, sickles, and collectivized farms. Of course I didn't believe any of it, until I started reading some posts from my more experienced comrades.
The first revelation occurred as I was admiring my new post about the constitution (another topic which is very hott right now). I noticed something at the bottom of the page that I hadn't written – a comment! From markbyrn! I was immediately drawn to one phrase in particular: "Jesus was a commie too and look what it got him." Mark was right! Look at all the huge following Jesus got from being a communist! I should take my project more seriously! The god or social determinant of Jesus has more marbles than anyone besides the god or social determinant of Muhammad! Maybe there was something to this thing after all!
But wait…was Jesus really a communist? Is there any scriptural evidence to support this claim?
First I had to find out what communism is. Most of the Karl Marx Wikipedia page was hard to read, but one quotation caught my eye: "From each according to his ability, to each according to his need." Doesn't get much simpler than that!
I took out my study Bible and read the entire New Testament to search for anything that something similar. I was shocked at what I found.
"all who owned property or houses sold them and lay them at the feet of the apostles to be distributed to everyone according to his need." Acts 4:32-35
There's more:
" He hath put down the mighty from their seats, and exalted them of low degree. He hath filled the hungry with good things; and the rich he hath sent empty away." Luke 52-53
Well, apparently Jesus WAS a commie. I joined RantRave to make money, but actually I was making much more: my soul.
I quickly opened the RantRave home page to see what else I could learn. I decided to look at the top rants of the top author because this is where the highest quality information should obviously be. I clicked on this fellow Red State Guy, who looked a lot like my uncle. Wait, isn't Red the color of communism? What wisdom does Red State Guy have that I can appropriate for my own ends?
"The United States of America was formed by Christians seeking to spread Christianity throughout the world. Period."
Is this what Trotsky meant when he talked about worldwide revolution?
I smelled a scoop. If I could only connect the dots, I would be the richest marble in the bag!
For this, Wikipedia would not be enough. After all, most of the articles there are written by teenagers and the unemployed. I needed a trustworthy, unbiased source of Truth. Conservapedia, hear my cry!
"A syllogism is a logical argument that necessarily follows if two premises are true."
Huh? Could you give me an example I can relate to?
"All cats are mammals.
Fluffy is a cat.
Therefore
Fluffy is a mammal."
I can haz try?
"The U.S. is a Christian nation.
Christ was a communist.
Therefore
THE U.S. IS A COMMUNIST NATION!"
Well, as a patriot, I guess I will stop merely pretending to be a communist and do my Christian duty and demand that the imperialist regime in Washington be overthrown and all power be given to the soviets. Lord, hear our prayer.