When I was very young someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, and I told them... "I want to be a guitar!" Always the clown, and always trying to mimic some singer or actor (BJ Thomas was my favorite)... when I was young and lonely. What I was or what I thought I was, just wasn't good enough... looking for escape or looking for love, I followed the road to 'freedom' only to find myself caught in a trap. The trap of seeking acceptance and approval...
and it would seem the only thing I was good at,
was being bad.
Brutality is something I tasted as a youth, and it was this that tinted my eyes to see life as a battle, knowing someday I would loose... but in the mean time, I needed to survive. At any cost, I survived.... hurting I hurt others, but deep down I new I was wrong... but I was caught in my lies, and trapped by my reputation... a phony looking to put an end to the charade. IT is a painful thing to look into the mirror sober and strait, only to see something that you hate.
Who will be your friend, when you are your own worst enemy? When doing the world a favor, means doing yourself in.
I remember being at the "Crossroads" a couple of times in my life... the first time I tried to give God an ultimatum, that if He didn't come through for me I would give my life to Satan...
I found out God doesn't negotiate, that is until we get more information, about what it is we are really negotiating! God allowed me to be Satan's toy for a while, and when I could see where my decision had taken me, we met again. This time I knew (now years later) that you have to serve somebody...
Bob Dylan - You Gotta Serve Somebody
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzJUvx2yQ......and after serving the devil for those years in between, I was looking for a way out, I didn't know that I just should have been looking for a new boss. Well, to be honest I thought I burned that bridge, or that my prayers weren't recorded on His machine... seems
my prayers weren't as demanding anymore. And maybe that is what needs to happen with some of us... we just need to really see what life is like
without a touch of the Master. I'ts cold.
I remember walking home and kneeling down in the middle of a highway, on a stormy night... I cared little if someone saw me...
somehow Jesus arranged another "Crossroad" meeting... only this time there wasn't any doubt who I was choosing. There hasn't been any doubt about my choice neither, 30 years later! My God is all sufficient to carry me, baggage and all... I found out something about God, He doesn't know the words "too hard" ...bring Him your broken parts, and try Him.
Man, I love Jesus! Not for what I get (although it's more than I deserve), I love Him because He is amazing...
and now I get to call Him Dad. Right now I don't get what I deserve, and I get what I don't deserve... serving Jesus Christ sets me free from all the other things that 'owned' me. I am thankful everyday to God...
Lord Jesus, what a difference you've made in my life!
"...if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. For the Scripture says, "Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame." For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. For "everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." (Romans 10:9-13)