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You want to sound cool. You want to sound smart. You want to really stick it to that guy you disagree with in that forum.
So you sit down, and you quickly pound out a witty barb.
"Your an idiot who doesnt no what your talking about. I no, I was their."
You hit refresh a few times. The replies start coming in and...
Wait, what's this? They're making fun of you! But you were their! You no what your talking about! Not the other guy! Why are they teasing you?
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Are you tired of having your intellect mocked by other people on the internet? Use this foolproof five-step system, and you too (not "to" or "two") can post comments in web forums without coming off as a moron.
STEP 1: SPELL CHECK
Most browsers have integrated features to check your spelling these days. For instance, Firefox underlines words it doesn't recognize in red. Many forums and chat sites also provide their own spelling services; RantRave has one in the lower right corner next to the Content field for every Rant or Rave you post.
Use these features. But remember, they're not perfect. Which leads us to...
STEP 2: KNOW YOUR HOMONYMS
They're
Their
There
Too
To
Two
You're
Your
Yore
A homonym is a word that sounds like another word, but has a different meaning. "You're" is a conjugation of "you" and "are," and should be used as such. So the next time you tell someone "you're an idiot," you can do so without undesired irony. On the other hand, if you insist on saying "your an idiot," you have lost the argument. You probably aren't aware that you've lost it, but you have.
STEP THREE: PURGE COMMON MISTAKES
Would you like to loose some weight? Well, you can't. But you can lose some weight. If you do, your jeans will probably become a little loose.
Do you think you could of seen this coming? No, you couldn't. You could have seen this coming, though. Not "of."
See the differences? These are just two of many common spelling mistakes that a spell checker won't catch, because the words are spelled correctly. Your job, should you choose (not "chose") to accept it is to memorize the meaning and correct usage of each.
For some reason, words with "oo" in the middle seem to suffer this abuse a lot, but they're not the only victims of language malpractice. "Were" and "where" also suffer grievous abuse. Here's an example of proper use: "Where were you when your English teachers taught the difference?"
And finally, please capitalize the first letter of every sentence. Do it for the children.
STEP FOUR: PUNCTUATE APPROPRIATELY
Plurals do not need an apostrophe. The misplaced plural apostrophe (sometimes called the "greengrocer's apostrophe") is one of the most pernicious punctuation problems I perceive. It's a mistake every time a diner advertises "special's" or a market sells "fresh vegetable's."
The apostrophe is actually easy to use, if you can remember the proper rules for its use. Here are some examples of right and wrong:
* "It's a rainy day." - RIGHT. In this instance, "it's" is a conjugation of "it" and "is."
* "The apostrophe is useful everywhere. That is it's strength!" - WRONG. The correct word would be "its." This usage is similar to "his" or "her." You wouldn't say "hi's" or "he'r," would you? I hope not.
* "Johnny's sales for '06 were tremendous." - RIGHT. Without the first apostrophe, we'd be talking about multiple Johnnies. The second apostrophe is rather informal, but acceptable.
Please also note the placement of punctuation inside quotes. This is standard for American English. If I see you putting a period outside quotes, you better be British, or I'm reporting you to your fourth grade teacher.
For extra credit, learn the proper use of semicolons, colons, and ellipses.
STEP FIVE: USE COMPLETE SENTENCES
When you randomly sprinkle periods. In the middle of. Your sentences, it becomes. Terribly distracting and. Difficult to. Read.
It's also hard to tell where one sentence ends and another begins if you don't use periods at all I like pie.
It works like this:
1) Form a coherent thought.
2) Type a coherent sentence.
3) Repeat step 2 until your coherent thought is complete.
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Follow these simple guidelines and you, too, will be able to join discussion forums without looking like a 13 year old MySpace kid with a texting-induced spelling and punctuation deficiency.