Written by
My wife and I have a running joke about the ridiculous names of the QB's of my favorite team, the Chicago Bears, and we can only hope they draft Chris Smelley to continue the joke next year. With names like Grossman, Griese, and Leak filling out their rosters in the last few years, it was hard to overlook this. To help me feel a bit better about my team and their disturbing affinity to stupid names, I gave myself a little project over the holidays to put together an All-Awesome Last Names List of NFL players, and its counter list of All-Lame Last Names of the NFL. Sadly, my Chicago Bears take up many positions on the list, but they also make up some of the best names like Stonebreaker, Luckman, and Gould.
The formula was simple: names that sounded strong, fast, money-related, or particularly fitted for their position made the awesome list, and thus the opposite made the lame list. Obviously, this is subjective, but please feel free to suggest any names I’ve missed, or to argue against my placement of names as needed.
And for an added bonus, a list of players with colors for last name made itself unavoidable, as did a list of religious related last names, and finally players that share the names of U.S. Presidents (I think I covered all but 3 Presidents maybe). I hope this list is discovered and placed in Canton someday, but for now, it is nice to just get it out of my head.
NFL Awesome Last Names
QB: Brees, Luckman, Starr, McNair
RB: Payton, Hart, Hunt, Rockne, Moore, Winder, Muster, Battles, Strong, Justice
WR: Thrash, Jett, Choice, Freeman, Royal, Monk, Quick, Rison, Beebe, Alworth, Largent, Swann, Warfield
TE: Cooley, Shockey, Boss, Sharpe, sCHEFler
O-Line: Shields, Armstrong, King, Fortmann, Ringo, Shell, Goode
D-Line: Manley, Dent, Youngblood, Long, Bulman, Hunter
LB: Butkus, Stonebreaker, Coolar, Hawk, Huff, Spikes, Studwell, Seau (Say-ow), Roper, Romanowski, Winborn
DB: Jammer, Walls, Blount, Harden, Irons, Knight
S: Stone, Lott, Wood, Payne, Hope, Sharper
K/P: Gould, Bahr, Goodburn, Longwell, Rackers
Coach: Madden
NFL Lamest Last Names
QB: Grossman, Griese, Leak, Losman, Theisman, Aikman, Dilfer, Thigpen, Plummer, Booty, Tittle, Ware, Potts, Bulger, Frye, Hackman, Lemon, Weinke
RB: Butts, Gash, Dudley, Trippi, Pitts, Feathers, Polite
WR: Ocho Cinco, Lipps, Toon, Fears, Berry
TE: Winslow, Newsome, PUTZier
O-Line: Gruber, Heck, Little, Weiner
D-Line: Lilly, Weinmeister, Stubbs
LB: Leach, Ham, LAMBert, Small, McCants, Mayo, Melton, Rumph
DB: Triplett, Dumas, Lyght, Haynes, Dishman, Youbuty, Crocker, Fudge, Gamble, McBride, Prude, Sapp
S: Flowers, Roach
K/P: Berger,ColQUITt
Coach: Cowher, Stram
NFL Colors For Last Names All Time Team
QB: Danny White, Todd Blackledge, Charlie Whitehurst, Trent Green, Quinn Gray
RB: Jim Brown, Byron White, Red Grange, Charles White, Gaston Green
WR: Tim Brown, Mel Gray, Roy Green, Charlie Brown
TE: Eric Green
O-Line: Bob Brown, Roosevelt Brown, Levi Brown, Lomas Brown
D-Line: Joe Greene, Reggie White, Randy White, LC Greenwood, Jacob Green, Jerome Brown
LB: Kevin Greene, Joey Browner, Nick Blackborn, Antwan Applewhite, Chad Greenway
DB: Willie Brown, Darrel Green, Bud Whitehead, Will Blackmon, Quinton Teal
S: Mike Brown, Jerry Gray, C.C. Brown, Marvin White
K/P: Kris Brown, Josh Brown
Coach: Paul Brown
NFL Religious Related Names List
Pope, Monk, Fryar, Priest, Bishop, Nunn, Iglesias, Moses, Abraham, Christian, Christianson, Cross, Noble, Goode, McBride, Prude, Hope, Polite, Parrish, Purify, St. Pierre, Moorman, Godfrey, Sheppard, Saint, Knox, Lambert, Lyght
NFL Player Presidential List (omitting redundant names)
Leon Washington, Gaines Adams, John Jefferson, Sam Madison, Rodrick Monroe, Bo Jackson, Steve Van Buren, James Harrison, Tyler Palko, Carlos Polk, Sean Taylor, Antonio Pierce, Ray Buchanon, Jeremy Lincoln, Chad Johnson, Ryan Grant, Gerald Hayes, Jabari Arthur, Cleveland Gary, Alvin McKinley, Roosevelt Potts, Taft Reed, Wade Wilson, Jeff Harding, Brad Hoover, Truman Spencer (draft prospect), Cortez Kennedy, Jeff Nixon, Jacob Ford, Anthony Carter, Reagan Mauia, Reggie Bush, Clinton Portis