"I'm afraid of mirrors," admits Bonnie Thorpe. "I barely leave my front door because I'm terrified of seeing my own reflection in a window. I've got a laptop with a nice matte screen and do everything online."
I'm surprised, to say the least. Bonnie is somewhere in her twenties or early thirties, a generous size 14 but other than that suitable for the catwalk. She's got a perfect skin, shiny blonde hair and a good posture. "If you would have told me five years ago that this would happen to me, I wouldn't have believed you. I've always been very self-confident." She shows me into her bedsit in Manchester and points at a poster of a skinny teenager in a bikini. "When I was fourteen, I got scouted for an H&M campaign and earned my first salary. I've been raised as a thrifty girl so my parents made me put all my money in a savings account. Of course I never dared to tell them how
personal loans saved my life when things got a bit rough."
Bonnie clearly is not afraid of photographs of herself: the bedsit is full of posters of the same skinny girl wearing different brands. "Thanks to my career as a model, I never needed a student loan. But when I graduated, I decided to give up modeling. I quickly got a job with an interior design agency. That was my passion, and I can't tell you how happy I was with that job. I loved everything about it. Even my boss."
I inspect the interior of the bedsit – Ikea furniture, posters on the wall and old sheets for curtains – and find it hard to believe the person who lives here once was a successful interior designer. "I learned the hard way that you should never mix work and private life," she says when she sees me look.
"My boss was Italian, and I thought he was some kind of Armani or Stefano Gabbana. I took everything he said for the holy truth and nothing less. When we started going out, he said curves were natural, womanly and real and took me out for dinner every night. He made sure I would eat, eat, eat until I matched his image of the ideal woman – size 18 – and then he left me for the next project: an anorexic intern. Only then I realized that he saw women as projects of art – he saw it as his right as an artist to shape their bodies to his liking – just like the rest of the fashion industry was determining the way women look."
"I wasn't just heartbroken – I hated myself, couldn't stand the sight of myself. It all became too much for me to handle when I tried to squeeze myself into my Valentino dress…" She picks up a catalogue and shows a picture of herself in a fiery red dress. "That one. I bought it after the photo shoot because it made me feel fabulous – spent half the money I made with that job! – but now… I looked like a massive bell-pepper. Outraged, I threw out all my mirrors, even shattered a 19th Century antique mirror. I have been avoiding my own reflection ever since."
But aren't mirrors an essential part of interior design? "They are. I tried to submit a couple of mirror-free sketches, but the clients wouldn't let me get away with it. So I lost my job too. I used up all my savings and applied for personal loans online when I didn't have any savings left. Because of the way I was brought up, this was a very shocking development. It's what helped me break out of my depression. I still can't face my reflection, but because I had to apply for a loan, I realized something had to change. I now work as a copywriter for an online DIY magazine and run a fashion blog for a big brand. Because I hardly ever leave this room – I even order my groceries online – I find it very hard to stop working. I often make twelve hour working days, but that's good because that way I can repay my loans sooner. I've also taken up going for a little stroll around the house every night. I only go out when it's dark, but still wear my sunglasses to make sure I won't see my own reflection in a shiny car or window."