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UNITED STATES (Reality-Based News) - Depression swept across the nation today, as conservative conspiracy theorists collectively came to the sudden realization that Barack Obama won the Presidential election last November.
"I hadn't really come to terms with it, I guess," said Bob Northrup of Pensacola as he scraped off a homemade bumper sticker that read 'Barack Hussein Obama isn't the President.' "I just woke up this morning, and it hit me: He really did win the election. Can't stand the guy, no, but he won fair and square."
Northrup is one of a large number of Republicans who until this morning had salved their wounded egos by telling themselves and each other stories that described Obama as a somehow illegitimate President. The theories ranged from bizarre dual-citizenship mental gymnastics to the elegantly simple -- if woefully mistaken -- belief that the President had been born abroad.
But today, conservative Republicans all over the country are waking up to the depressing realization that these desperate conspiracy theories are merely a way to express their displeasure over losing the election. "Yesterday, you could have taken me to Hawaii and shown me his original birth certificate personally and I wouldn't have believed it," Northrup said as he deleted various emails supposedly detailing proof that the President is Muslim. "Heck, you could have put me in a time machine to watch the birth personally, and I wouldn't have believed it."
When asked what had changed, he replied, "Well, today I woke up, and it was all suddenly clear: I just hate the guy. I hate his policies, I hate where he's taking this country, and I hate the way the country seems to be going along for the ride. And I realized, this was my way of being able to pretend he didn't really win, see? But I just can't pretend anymore."
Other conspiracy theorists expressed similar sentiments. "I didn't really think Obama would start a euthanasia campaign," said Martha Pendergrass of Salt Lake City, Utah. "I just can't afford the taxes for his health care plan." When informed that she makes too little to see a tax increase under Obama's proposed plan, she sighed and nodded. "See, I already knew that, too. But I keep hoping I'll get rich, and don't wanna see all that money go to pay for other people's health care. Boy, disillusionment sucks."
When asked if she she would use a so-called 'public option' herself if one was available, she reluctantly nodded. "But I wouldn't if I could afford insurance."
All over the internet, message boards were flooded this morning with former conspiracy theorists informing each other in somber language that Obama wasn't born in Kenya, that he doesn't want to kill old people, and that he isn't really a puppet of Islamic terrorists. They just really, really don't like him, and wish he hadn't won. One plaintive message on the website 'Free Republic' asked, "What will we do tomorrow?"
"I dunno, argue about the issues instead?" was the only reply.