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Today, Barack Obama announced that all of the rumors about him, his health care plans, his past, and his vision for America are all true.
Wearing the traditional Muslim garb of his native Mombasa, he emerged onto the White House lawn. On his left, the printing press which he used to create his fake Hawaiian birth certificate. On his right, a paper shredder into which copies of the Constitution were being fed.
"My fellow Americans," he started. "Or rather, you foolish capitalist American dogs who fell for my ploy. I come to you today to reveal the truth, now that there's nothing you can do about it.
"Let us start with religion. I am, first and foremost, a Muslim. Now, as it happens, I am also a believer in 'black liberation theology,' an extreme form of Christianity, as was aptly pointed out during the campaign. And I am an atheist, as was also pointed out during the campaign. The truth is, I hate God and worship a false version of Him simultaneously. I accomplish this because it is a super power granted me by my Kenyan birth.
"I would like to address some questions about my past. Shortly after my thoroughly Muslim upbringing in countries few of you know anything about, I spent several years working closely with the Weather Underground to destroy America, developing a close friendship with Bill Ayers, to whom I send 'Death To America' greeting cards to this day. It was he and Saul Alinsky who were the guiding lights of my youth. And it is to them I owe my overpowering desire to kill old people.
"But to me, killing old people isn't enough. I dream of a collectivist utopia in which private ownership is outlawed. My personal security forces will be along to deprive you of your property shortly. They will be assisted by my good friend Osama bin Laden, with whom I plotted the events of 9/11. Say, I just noticed... Osama... Obama... Only one letter of difference! I don't know about you, folks, but that seems awfully important and meaningful to me.
"So in summary: My campaign was funded by foreign Muslim terrorists, just like you thought. Oh, and my good friend Hugo Chávez. I worked for ACORN, and use them as my personal Gestapo, just like you thought. I won't hold my hand over my heart during the National Anthem, just like you thought - heck, I don't even know how it goes. I do, in fact, detest the American flag, and had it removed from Air Force 1, just like you thought. I refuse to recite the Pledge of Allegiance, just like you thought. And yes, despite reports to the contrary, I took the Oath of Office on a Koran, just like you thought I would. Did that when I became a Senator, too.
"You may have heard that in 1981, travel to Pakistan wasn't banned after all, so I could have traveled there on a U.S. passport. The truth? We've been systematically altering historical records all over the United States to make it appear that you could go to Pakistan on a U.S. passport in 1981. Of course in reality, my passport was Indonesian. Or Kenyan. I forget which. Just like you thought.
"I will - and even already have - raised taxes on everything and anything, including water, just like you thought. It's because I hate private enterprise, capitalism, and money. In fact, the whole point of a public option is to destroy an entire industry. Just like you thought.
"Born in Kenya. Friend of terrorists. Even endorsed by the KKK during the campaign. Hate all things American. Want to kill old people. Want to kill babies. All these things... All these too-crazy-to-be-believed things that you all believed anyway... True. Every last bit of it, even the ones that are contradictory.
"I am the inhuman beast you prefer to think of me as. There's no need to study in any fine detail any of my policy proposals or goals, because really, I only have one goal: The utter destruction of the country that elected me President.
"Just like you thought."