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I recently took a trip to New Jersey, a state where people really don't know how to drive. Those horrible people have spiked this rant. So here it goes: LISTEN UP MORON DRIVERS! Your life as you know it is now over, I'm done, your done. Get off the road.
Okay, so if you would like to be one of those moron drivers that i can't stand you should follow some of the following guidelines:
1. Drive at least 5 mph under the posted speed limit. If you see a police car, or even a car that resembles a police car, slam on the brakes and drive 10 mph until you can't see it anymore.
2. Don't use turn signals, they ruin the surprise. But, if you decide to use them, signal 9-10 blocks away from where you're turning, and make sure you slow down and look at each passing street.
3. At a four-way stop, just floor it, everyone else is stopped, why should you?
4. Talk on your cell phone while putting make-up on, and of course, while driving.
5. At night, only use your parking lights, unless you want to use high beams, which are encouraged.
6. In two lane traffic, pace the slow car next to you so that no one can pass. This goes for horse and buggy's too
7. Tailgate.
8. Put as many obnoxious nights all over your car as you can. Neon underneath, light bars, etc. Yet still adhere to #5.
9. If someone honks at you, honk back. You can also wave, but do not do what they want, mess with them.
10. Turn your music up all the way.
11. When you pass someone, make sure your side mirror is almost touching their car. Once you pass them, brake. Make sure you cut them off, once they look mad, give them the "Thanks a bunch" wave, and brake again. This is also an opportune time to change radio stations.
12. When driving in bumper to bumper traffic, make sure you leave at least 6 car lengths in front of you.
13. Driving is the perfect time to sexual relations with your boyfriend/girlfriend, pretend you have tinted windows.
14. When you get to a merge, floor it until the last second, and then cut off everyone who merged when they were supposed too.
15. You always have the right-of-way, especially if you drive a luxury car.
16. Don't ever "Right-on-red."
17. Flash your high-beams at other drivers, and try to blind them at particularly dangerous intersections or curves.
18. Leave your residence with an extra hour to get to work, that way you can drive under the speed limit the whole way there and be on time, while making others late.
19. Throw plastic bags and other waste out of your car window when on the highway. Take great care in ensuring you hit the windshield of other cars.
20. When you park, take as many spots as possible. Also, when the aforementioned is not possible, park extremely close to the car next to you, and then take down their license plate number, just in case they hit you while trying to get out.
I swear, you moron drivers are the reason i hate New Jersey. If you have any others you have experienced, put them in the comments.
Thanks for reading, Cheers!