I think I may be an atheist.
This is big deal to me. When I was growing up, I was studying to be a catholic priest. My family was very involved in the church, I was an alter boy, my sisters worked with the little kids, my mom cleaned the church and was active on many committees. My faith was very precious to me, something I was proud of. I liked the sense of community, the ritual, the feeling I got from being a part of something bigger than myself or anything else in this world.
When I got to college, I stopped going to church. In my head I felt that the idea of "God" was too abstract for me, a mere human to understand. "God" was too big for me, so I resolved to worship in my own way. I would believe, but not worry about the trappings that came with organized religion. I was still a catholic, just not practicing. This went on for years, and then I got married, and my faith was tested.
My wife is a believer. We had a conversation about the stories in the bible, how I thought they were just stories to teach morals, and her thinking they were the "gospel" truth, so to speak. I thought the pope was just a man, she thought the pope was god's mouthpiece on earth. My wife didn't think I was as catholic as her, and it was going to be a problem.
So I started doing some reading. I started out with the debate over evolution. I didn't think us Catholics worried about evolution. We could believe in Darwin, and still be good Catholics. Darwin opened the flood gates.
It seems that I was wrong about a lot of things and how good of a Christian I was. I thought everyone knew the stories in the bible were just stories. I knew this since grade school.
I became an agnostic. More reading is needed, but I suspect I will land on the side of atheism. This leads the crisis of faith I am having. Without being catholic, will I still get to see my dead relatives? I don't think I will, but it kills me to think I won't see anyone when I am dead. It is like killing off all my dead relatives all over again.
I am at a crossroads. I want to believe in God. I want to blindly go along and not worry about the afterlife or the people I care about who have already passed away.
Logic is getting in the way. I need help. I don't want to be known as an atheist. Atheists are the last group that the mainstream can shun and get away with it. In some states, atheists can not hold public office. It would be like purposely opting to be a hated minority.
Can I not believe in a supreme being, and still think there is a heaven, or a place where I will go as I die?
Thanks for reading this.
Peace,
Amishking